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Life

• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.