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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
> Gifted!
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
> Tits go in front.
How do blonde brain cells die?
> Alone.
Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
> *WHO CARES*
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
> Locking the car door.
What's the difference between a pit bull and a blond with PMS?
> Lipstick.
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
> Because red means stop.
How do you brainwash a blonde?
> Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
> You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown?
> Artificial intelligence.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
> The monitor has white-out on it.
How can you tell if another blonde has been using the computer?
> It's been corrected.
How do you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
> She has a checkbook.
How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?
> There's a stamp on it.
Why do blondes where hoop earrings?
> They need some place to rest their ankles.
Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
> It swells at night.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat in the airplane?
> She just dyed her hair.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
> To catch as much as possible that is over their heads.
Why is it a good idea to have a blonde passenger?
> You can park in the handicap zone.
How are blondes like turtles?
> When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
Why did the blonde become a veterinarian?
> She liked only to eat vegetables.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
> Humpme Dumpme.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
> Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
> An IN-Body experience!
How does a blonde part her hair?
> (Action of scissoring legs apart)
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
> Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why do blondes like lightning?
> They think someone is taking their picture.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
> It takes too long to retain them.
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
> They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
> By the buckle print on her forehead.
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
> By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Why shouldn't blondes wear shoulder pads?
> (With a rocking of the head side to side) I dunno?
How do you kill a blonde?
> Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
How do blondes pierce their ears?
> They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
What do you call a blonde with a $1 bill on her head?
> All you can eat, under a buck.
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
> They can't get their heads in the jar.
Why don't blondes eat bananas?
> They can't find the zipper.
When does a brunette have half a brain?
> Right after a hair job.
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her attractive?
> Her ankles.
Why do blondes where red lipstick?
> Because red means, "Stop, wrong hole."
Why don't blondes use vibrators?
> They chip their teeth.
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
> From eating with forks.
Why do blondes wear panties?
> They make good ankle warmers.
Why don't blondes in San Fran wear short mini-skirts?
> Their balls show.
What do blondes do for fore play?
> Remove their underwear.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
> Toes go in first.
What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
> Pack their lunch and send them to work.
What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
> Introduce herself.
What's the second thing a blonde does in the morning?
> Walks home.
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
> Fertilized.
What is the first thing a blonde does after sex?
> Opens the car door.
How do blondes turn on the light after sex?
> Kick open the car door.
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
> More head room.
Why do blondes ride cars with sun-roofs?
> More leg room.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
> A blond at a flashing red light.
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the back seat?
> In case she locks her keys in the car.
What does the blonde say if you ask her if her blinker is on?
> Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
> An air bag.
Why did the blonde steal a police car?
> It said 911 on the back and she thought it was a Porsche.
What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
> Bucket seats.
What do blondes say after sex?
> Thanks, guys.
What else do blondes say after sex?
> Are you guys all from the same department?
What do you call a hooker and three blondes?
> Regular price. Four bucks. Four bucks. Four bucks.
Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
> Because everybody gets a turn.
Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
> Because she's been laid all over the country.
Why do blonde's have orgasms?
> So they know when to stop having sex.
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
> Frosted flakes.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of a swimming pool?
> Air bubbles.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
> Frosted flakes.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
> Last-year's hide-and-seek champ.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
> A space invader.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?
> A branch manager.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
> She fell out of the tree.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
> Wave at her.
What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.
What else?
> Wishful Thinking.
How do you test a blonde's IQ?
> With a tire gauge.
How does a blonde interpret .9?
> A 69 interrupted by a period.
What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios?
> Oh look! Doughnut seeds!
Why is it OK for blondes to catch a cold?
> They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
> They can't even keep calves together.
Why don't blondes breast feed?
> Because they always burn their nipples.
How did the blond burn her nose?
> Bobbing for french fries.
Why do blondes put their hair in pony tails?
> To cover up the valve stem.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
> Spot.
What is the blonde's favorite rock group?
> Air supply.
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
> The back of her head.
Why do blondes drive VW's?
> Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
How do make a blonde laugh on Monday morning?
> Tell her a joke on Friday night!
Why did god create blondes?
> Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
> A blond electrician.
Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
> She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
> Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
> A thought.
Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
> Because she gave blow-jobs, literally.
Why did the blonde bride smile as she walked down the aisle?
> She realized she gave her last blow-job.
Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
> She liked to be filled with cream.
What did the blonde do when she got her period?
> Looked around for the bastard who shot her.
Why do blondes have periods?
> They deserve them.
Why are blondes like cornflakes?
> Because they're simple, easy, and they taste good.
How do know that a blond is making chocolate chip cookies?
> You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
> Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
> By the ears.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
> A brain tumor.
Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
> Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
What do you get when you cross a blond and a gorilla?
> Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla will do....
What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
> One's a busy ditch.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
> A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
> They both get easier to pick up with age.
How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
> They cow fell on her.
What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
> The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
> They're both empty from the neck up.
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
> They both wriggle when you eat them.
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
> They both have black roots.
Why did the deaf blond sit on the newspaper?
> So she could lip read.
Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
> Too many blondes were drowning.
Why do blondes have square boobs?
> Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
> Three. One to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
> The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
What job did the blonde get at the M&M factory?
> Proofreading.
Why did she get fired?
> She wouldn't stop throwing out the W's.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
> She gets the pop-tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
How can you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
> The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
> They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
What did the blonde's mom say before the blonde's date?
> If you're not in bed by 12:00, come home.
Why doesn't a blond change a baby's diaper for a month?
> It clearly says on the package, "Good for up to 20 pounds."
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
> She kept on having affairs with men.
What does a blonde owl say?
> What, What?
How did the blonde try to kill a bird?
> She threw it off a cliff.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
> She drowns it.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
> Nice tits.
How does a blond high-five?
> She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
> Write, "Flip," on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why aren't there many blond gymnasts?
> Because they stick to the floor when they do splits.
What is the irritating part of a blondes vagina?
> The blonde!
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
> Flattered!
Hear about the blondes that froze at the drive-in theater?
> They went to see, "Closed for this season."
What do call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
> An interpreter.
What do call a blonde between two brunettes?
> A mental block.
What do call a row of blondes?
> A wind tunnel.
What do you call a stack of blondes?
> An air mattress.
What do you call a row of blondes in a circle?
> A dope ring.
What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
> Sweet fuck.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
> They can't remember the number.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency wen the see the number?
> They can't find the number 11 on the phone.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
> Thanks for the refill.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear?
> Data transfer.
Why do blondes have more fun?
> Because they don't know any better.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> One. She holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> Two. One to hold the Pepsi and one to call, "Daddy!"
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
What's a blonde's favorite wine?
> Daddy! I want to go to Miami!
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
> A whine cellar.
What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
> They each have a black box and they each have a cockpit.
What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
> Not every man has been in a .
What is the difference between a blond and a Porsche?
> Not every man has been in a Porsche.
What did the blonde say when she gave birth?
> Gee, are you sure it's mine?
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
> Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
> Tell her she's pregnant.
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
> And you thought BLONDES were dumb.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
> To see what's on the other side.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
> Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
> Run like hell because she has a grenade in her teeth.
Why do blondes take the pill?
> So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blond stop using the pill?
> Because it kept on falling out.
But why do brunettes take the pill?
> Wishful thinking.
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
> Because her boyfriend was also blonde.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer’s disease?
> Her IQ goes up.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of 40?
> A blonde parade.
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
> You don't lend a Porsche out to a friend.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
> Butter is more difficult to spread.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
> You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
> They know how many men went down on "The Titanic."
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
> Bigfoot has been spotted.
What is the difference between a blonde and a pay phone?
> A pay phone costs more.
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
> Your job still sucks after six months.
What is the difference between a blonde with a period and a terrorist?
> You can negotiate with a terrorist.
A blonde and brunette jumped off a building. Who crashed first?
> The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Why did the blondes turn around when they were going to Disney Land?
> They saw a sign that said, "Disney Land - Left"
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
> Blow in her ear.
> Buy her another beer.
How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
> Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
> She was run over by the zambonis machine.
How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
> Come.
A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
> Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
How do you know a blond likes you?
> She screws you two nights in a row.
How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
> Her crayons are still sticky.
How does a blonde moonwalk?
> She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Why is a blonde like Australia?
> They’re both down under, and no one cares.
Why does a blonde like the number 77?
> She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
Why don’t blondes like anal sex?
> They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Why can’t blondes water-ski?
> When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Why are blondes like pianos?
> When they aren’t upright, they’re grand.
Why can’t blondes count to 70?
> Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
> The rest are hunt’n peckers.
How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
> They spread for the bread.
What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
> Cherry Float
What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
> a foursome.
What do you give the blonde who has everything?
> Penicillin.
What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
> An air bag.
What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
> B.J.
Why are blonde’s coffins Y-shaped?
> Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
> To avoid the draft.
Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
> They have to pull their own pants down.
What do blonde virgins eat?
> Baby food.
What's the mating call of a blonde?
> I'm *soooo* drunk!
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
> (Screaming) "I said: I’m drunk!"
What’s the mating call of the brunette?
> "All the blondes have gone home!"
> Has that blonde gone yet?
> When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
What’s the mating call of the redhead?
> "Next!"
What is blonde and green and jumps from bed to bed?
> A prostitoad.
What is 68 to a blonde?
> Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
> Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
> Because it said ‘concentrate’.
Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
> It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed .
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
> The noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
> From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
> She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
> They don’t know the route.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
> So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
> Some traffic signs say stop.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
> The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
> A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
> The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
What’s the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with diarrhea?
> One shucks between fits.
What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
> It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
> One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.
What’s the difference betweena blonde and a brick?
> When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.
What is foreplay for a blonde?
> Thirty minutes of begging.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
> Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
> You need a quarter to use the phone.
> Only one person can use the phone at once.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
> They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
> "It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt."
How does a blonde commit suicide?
> She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
> Bury a blonde.
Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
> Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
> Shine a torch in her ears.
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
> She drops her nail-file!
> Who cares?
> She says, "Next".
> The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
> He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
> I mean, who really cares?
> The batteries have run out.
How do you drown a blond?
> Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
> Don’t tell her to swallow.
> Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
> The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
How does a blonde high-5?
> She smacks herself in the forehead.
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
> A know-it-all bitch.
What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
> One’s a phony buck.
What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
> A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
> One that never misses a period.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
> An Italian suppository.
What is every blonde’s ambition in life?
> To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
What can save a dying blonde?
> Hair transplants.
What did the blonde say when she woke up under the cow?
> What are you guys still doing here?
What are the worst six years in a blonde’s life?
> Third Grade.
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
> She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
> She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get MTV.
What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
> She stopped sucking.
What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room?
> I’m not going to suck anything *that* small.
What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
> You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
What does a blond say during a porno?
> There I am!!
Why doesn’t a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
> Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
> Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
> I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.
> Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won’t stop until it gets blood.
> One hell of a joke.
Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
> She was having sunny periods.
What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
> Her feet!
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
> When she farts, her knees bag.
What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
> Marriage.
